Do you feel it is natural to help someone in turmoil? How about helping that someone who ALWAYS seems to be in turmoil? That someone that you know when you see them you will hear about their LATEST turmoil?
I believe that we are empathetic by nature, especially to people we are friends with and care about. I remember always trying to be there for someone, but I had confused supporting with fixing. If there was a problem I would swoop in with my super cape and take on their burden. After all, I know my strength. I can do this – piece of cake!
Then eventually, my cape became overburdened with other people’s issues. And I ended up not having very much strength to take care of myself. Oh but I have lessened my friend’s burden, so I can lean on them. Wait! Where did they go? Oh – they are off having fun now that their problem is being dealt with by someone else.
Have you ever experienced this?
I, by my nature, want to help. I want to alleviate pain. But a mentor taught me that the things I was taking on were not my burdens to bear. I had no business taking on other people’s issues/burdens/troubles, and in a lot of cases… drama. Hard life lesson #1 and it was an incredibly tough life lesson I had to learn.
I had to learn that while I can be of support – I cannot fix other people’s problems. It sounds simple, but it is actually a fine line to walk. I had to step back and allow people to vent, let them know I support them in their struggle, and then stop there. No more abuse of my super cape! They had to develop their own super cape abilities.
And if they didn’t, if they continued to emotionally vomit all over telling others their woes, then I had to evaluate just how much time I wanted to spend with them. Hard life lesson #2!
My mentor taught me that I needed to really take a look at where I spent my energy. Did I want to spend my energy on someone who seemed to find another trouble as soon as I took one off their hands, or did I want to spend my energy working toward my goals and needs?
Is that selfish? In a word – no!
I soon learned that I cannot be supportive to others if I am diminished within myself. I cannot be helpful to others when I am depleted. I had to learn to give support, but not give all my energy. I had to learn to listen without taking on things that were none of my business to take on.
So I ask you to look at your peer circle. Are you allowing energy vampires to take away vital liveliness from you? Here is another tough question – are you using them as an excuse and time filler so you avoid making sure your own business is in order? And when you really think about it, don’t you want to be surrounded by like-minded folks that boost your energy? Be a part of a tribe that lifts you up and does more celebrating than commiserating?
Empathy is a great characteristic to possess. Just make sure you stay in a supportive role. Do not take the lead on things you have no business taking on. And give your friend the benefit of growing alongside you. Walk the responsibility trail together. Allow them to become one of the peers that lift you up! And you can do the same for them!
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